Most people celebrate Cinco de Mayo with Coronas, tacos, tequila and sombreros. Or at least that's what I like to think everyone does, and it's what I'd do if I didn't have a larger calling in life every fifth of May. The calling of greatness. The calling...of a 5 pound burrito. Which, in case you were curious, sounds like "eat meeeeee."
Yes, every year in sunny Bismarck, North Dakota on May 5th, my favorite Mexican restaurant in town (Taco Del Mar) holds the Cinco de Mondo challenge, in which a very hungry person can attempt to eat a 5 pound burrito in 30 minutes. Said burrito is quite delicious, just as all of their grub is, consisting of four 13-inch tortillas, rice, your choice of black or refried beans, your choice of ground beef or seasoned chicken, cheese and pico de gallo. To give you the scope of what this beast looks like, here is the before picture of my chosen burrito for the 2014 challenge.
It is basically the size of a newborn. I've attempted this challenge each of the last 2 years now, so I figured the third time is a charm. Since I'm still talking about attempting to conquer this god forsaken burrito, the reader can and has safely assumed that I have failed in both prior attempts at devouring this stomach shredder. The defeats have brought me equal parts shame and diarrhea.
But let's talk strategy. One does not simply walk into Taco Del Mar, sit down and eat a 5 pound burrito. It takes strategy, preparation (and, afterwards, some Preparation H). Year one all I did was fast for 24 hours leading up to the challenge. It worked alright, but I came up well short of eating the whole thing. Year two I felt better about the challenge, and even did some training a week beforehand, drinking a gallon of water with my dinners. It is just as unpleasant as you imagine, and probably worse. I enjoyed a good crowd of friends and coworkers with me that day, there only to cheer me on. I indeed failed however, and in fact ate somehow less than the year prior when I hadn't done any training. Where I believe I erred was that when I fasted the 24 hours beforehand, I didn't drink water to keep my stomach expanded, and it shrunk on me.
This year I modified my strategy in several aspects. First, whereas I'd gone with refried beans and ground beef both prior years, this year I went chicken and black beans. As far as training however, this year I didn't put forth the effort I did a year ago. I had been dieting all year (and dropped 30 pounds successfully) and was actually going to skip the challenge this year as I didn't want to disrupt my diet. However, some of my coworkers were having none of that and went as far as to sponsor me and pay for my burrito just because they enjoyed watching me eat like a pig, apparently. I can't say no to a free burrito, so I immediately began training. This went down a mere 4 days before the event however, and left me precious little time to expand my stomach, which I had been trying my hardest to shrink for the last 4 months. So each day I tried as hard as a could to drink a gallon of water in the shortest time possible, and one night even prepared myself a practice burrito. Shortly before the event I even hit the gym to work up an appetite. Anyway, I got there, and with my support group in place, I tore into the burrito. Here's my favorite action shot:
I am just ruining that burrito's existence. The switch to chicken and black beans was a very wise choice, as the innards of the burrito went down in a delicious heartbeat. 10 minutes in, all I had left were the tortillas and a handful of burrito guts. My sponsors were excited, the optimism pouring out like wine at a Greek orgy. However, it was shortly thereafter that I ran into trouble. The tortillas, which I so enjoy, were very chewy. A pro eater could power through and swallow each bite without chewing, but at that point I couldn't swallow large chunks of anything without gagging, and "reversal" was never an option. And by reversal I mean puking, if you didn't make that connection. To cut down on the chewing I begin tearing the tortillas into smaller strips...but by the 20 minute mark everything was expanding in my stomach, which I hadn't prepped quite enough for the event. As much as it pained me to admit it, by the 25 minute mark...I was full.
As you can see I was more disappointed than full. Although that quickly changed as the food continued to expand in my stomach, which is the worst part of the challenge. With only three strips of tortilla and a handful of burrito guts remaining, I left defeated once again. However, whereas last year I left shaking my head and calling the burrito impossible to ingest in 30 minutes, this year I left with optimism. With some minor tweaks in strategy and heavier training next year, I truly believe I will slay the beast in 2015 and take home those sweet, sweet burrito Zubaz. So until next year, burrito...well played.
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